Minnesota GOP Legislators Announce Full Blockade of St. Paul and Minneapolis

Friday near Raspberry Island.
Saint Paul (AP) — Minnesota Republican legislative leaders said today that their decision to defund nearly all bonding projects in Minnesota’s two largest cities was just the beginning, as they began preparation for a full blockade reminiscent of the U.S. blockade of communist Cuba in the 1960s.

Earlier this week, the Republican majority in the Legislature refused to approve most bonding requests from Minneapolis and Saint Paul, the two cities that are Minnesota’s most reliable Democratic political strongholds. Longtime observers of the Legislature characterized this year’s bonding bill as the most partisan in Minnesota history. But Republican leaders maintain that further pressure is needed to break the core cities’ will.

“Killing their dream of a sub-minor league baseball field was a start, but more government reform is needed,” said Senate Capital Investment Chairman Ronnie Wright (R-Bunker Hills). “So we’re going to blockade the metrosexual candy asses.”

In anticipation of the blockade, Republican legislators were reported to be hording legislators’ favorite urban delicacies before they become unavailable during a blockade, such as Fabulous Fern’s ‘Fern Burgers,’ mini soap bars from the Kelly Inn Best Western, and tassles from Augie’s Cabaret.

“Hey Jack Kennedy smuggled 1,000 cigars out of Cuba, so you can’t expect us go cold turkey,” said Rep. Richard Dick (R-Sticks). “And I’m just telling you, they don’t call it the ‘Best Western’ for nothin.”

The blockade leaders rejected charges that they had lost their promised focus on producing “jobs, jobs, jobs” during a sluggish economic recovery.

“Those in the liberal media who charge that this is just about a raw political power grab are dead wrong,” said Rep. Wy Kayer (R- Stillwhiter). “It’s simply about raining the Creator’s righteous wrath down upon those in Sodom and Gomorrah who insist on voting for unconstitutional sinning, that’s all.”

But legislators acknowledge that even a full commercial, economic and financial embargo may not be sufficient to keep their Tea Party supporters sufficiently aroused.

“If the blockade doesn’t work, we are not ruling out a full Bay of Pig’s Eye invasion,” said Kayer.

The Paul: Go Vikes!

Oh, the Saints. St. Paul’s minor-league baseball team knows a thing or two about clever, humorous, opportunistic promotions. Among their best recently was a giveaway of 2,500 “bobblefoot” dolls, ostensibly as a nod to National Tap Dance Day but clearly a jab at former Senator Larry Craig.

Allow me to share some news from a recent alert from the team:

In support of a movement begun by KFAN’s morning show, the Power Trip, the minor league baseball team that plays its home games at Midway Stadium will remove the “S” word from both the beginning and end of its name and will be known simply as “The Paul” through Sunday. The Minnesota Vikings are in the midst of a run to the NFC Championship Game, and The Paul wouldn’t dare utter the name of this week’s opponent.

On Tuesday morning The Paul’s Executive Vice President Tom Whaley appeared on KFAN’s morning show, The Power Trip, with The Superstar Mike Morris, Chris Hawkey and Cory Cove. Whaley was asked by the trio to become the first in a long line of companies, cities and more to remove the “S” word from their name. Not only did Whaley agree to support the effort, but he and the club have also decided to incorporate the name change during their 2010 season.

KFAN called us Tuesday with an idea that was perfect,” said Executive Vice President Tom Whaley. “We’re thrilled they would think of us first. When you think about it, there are a lot of folks they could’ve called first: John, Thomas, Kate, Ben and Scholastica to name a few.”

The club will don jersey’s with the name “The Paul” across its chest during a regular season game in 2010. The team will align itself with other organizations with the “S” word in its name with a night full of fun for which The Paul is known.

For more information, contact “The Paul’” at 651-644-6659 or visit the website that has appeared in every previous press release by the team.

Michael Rand of the Star Tribune says it all: “It’s a shameless publicity grab, but as usual, it has worked for the St. Paul Saints … or should we say ‘The Paul.’ “