And … welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first debate of the 2016 FoxNews/Clear Channel radio Republican Presidential candidates, live from the Federal Premium Ammunition grandstand on the Neshoba County Fairgrounds in beautiful, well-defended Philadelphia, Mississippi.
I’m Ted Nugent. Y’all know me, and I’ll be your MC this evening as we introduce an entirely new format, flushed clean of liberal bias and BS. A format that gets right to what you want to hear.
As all of you know, because we’ve told you, Republicans haven’t been able to get a fair shake from bought-and-sold New York-elite debate moderators for a good 20 years. Over the years too much time has been wasted talking about crap in 2000-page boondoggles and what a bunch of moochers in some damned ghetto needed you to pay for.
Who gives a good goddam! Not me. Not you! Was there ever a single question about your Constitutional right to blow the head off some hoodie-wearing creep looking snakey-eyed at your daughter, or your dog? Hell, no! None of you got the answers you wanted. Which is why you’re never going to see another double chocolate croy-sahnt-eating Candy Crowley from the damned Clinton News Network up here. Likewise, there’ll be no Bob frickin’ Schieffer, who is still kissing Dan Rather’s pimply … well, don’t get me worked up… because I’m not concealin’ what I’m carryin’!
Instead, we’ve up-graded. Big time. Let me introduce, to my right, Sean Hannity of FoxNews, without a doubt the smartest, toughest damned slicer and dicer of liberal insanity on any TV in any hunting shack anywhere on the planet. Sean, take a bow.
SEAN HANNITY: “Thanks, Ted. You’re doing a hell of a job. Great to be here. And let me say to your audience how committed I am to protecting the Second Amendment. The rest can be dumped in the shredder as far as you and I are concerned. But that one is what you, me and this audience are all about!”
TED NUGENT: “No [bleepin’ bleep] Sean. Oh, sorry. Gotta watch myself. Don’t want to get crosswise with our Baptist and snakehandlin’ friends. You kids gettin’ home-schooled tonight gotta forgive ol’ Uncle Ted for his language sometimes. And next to Sean, farther to my right, The Man himself. The one person we all get down and thank the Lord every night for giving us the truly Grand Old Party we have today, a party committed to the Second Amendment, to keepin’ the damned government out of your Medicare rights and sayin’ “hell, no” to loose liberal women who expect you and me to pay for their French ticklers … ladies and gentlemen give it up for the leader himself, El Rushbo! Rush Limbaugh!”
RUSH LIMBAUGH: “Ted, good to see you. My driver plays ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ on the way into work every morning.”
TED NUGENT: “The honor is all mine, Rush. And I know I speak for all of us here, especially our candidates, when I say, without you we’d still be putting up tax hikin’, Socialist-appeasin’, anti-gun pansies for president instead of actual quick-trigger Americans. You’ve shown us the way and given us strength. God bless you, Rush.”
RUSH LIMBAUGH: “It’s a good living, Ted.”
TED NUGENT: “Terrific! Just terrific! Now, our candidates, quickly. Republicans are a big tent party and lord, we’ve got top drawer people, people who you’d be proud to have in there right next to your office Glock. These folks cover every point of the compass, as long as its south, rural, well-armed, hetero-as-hell and over 50.
“First, from the Great Nation of Texas, my adopted home, Senator Ted Cruz!”
TED CRUZ: “Ted. Great to see you again. You fixed the sites on that .50 cal varmint hunter we played with last fall? Mercy is for pussies, right, Ted?”
TED NUGENT: “Damned straight, Senator. You’re looking good, have you lost weight, or are you just not carrying an extra Brownell clip tonight? Just kidding. And next to Ted we have, from the great state of Kentucky, Senator Rand Paul! Senator … .”
RAND PAUL: “Thank you, Ted. I think it’s a tremendous service you’re doing here for Americans everywhere, especially in South, the true cradle of Libertarian democracy. Freedom doesn’t need filters!”
TED NUGENT: “Terrific point, Senator! You’re the deepest thinker I know, except for maybe Michael Savage, who couldn’t be here tonight because of some, um, uncertainty about folk like him on fairground property. And finally, our third candidate, a man who not only saw through the fraud of the Muslim imposter’s birth certificate, but fired gol’ dang Gary Busey from a Number One-rated TV show. Donald Trump!”
DONALD TRUMP: “Ted, the only person who could possibly do a better job than you’re doing is me, but I’m meant for greater things.”
TED NUGENT: “Ok, great. I hear ya. Now, let’s get down to it. Down to what every over-taxed, over-regulated, , god-fearin’, one man-on-one woman, illegal immigrant opposin’ American wants to know from these genuine, registered Caucasian gentlemen. Sean, go ahead and ask the first question.”
SEAN HANNITY: “Thanks again, Ted. To Senator Cruz. We all know the country is contaminated with illegals, most of whom are terrorist-indoctrinated pregnant drug mules determined to have a half-dozen children here, all of whom will eventually vote Socialist. How will you put an end to this?”
TED CRUZ: “Hell of a question Sean. Really spot on. And I know everyone here is as sick and tired of this flood of low rent, do-nothing-but-suck-the-Socialist-teat criminals sneaking across our borders as I am. It’d be one thing if it was just a disgrace. But it’s a national security nightmare!
We have got the craziest, most-psycho bunch of nutcases and renegades born in God-knows-where-istan setting up shop here. I’ve been saying, loud and clear, on your show every other night Sean and on Rush’s show, that every last one of this crowd of born-somewhere-elsers needs to get scooped up out of their taco stand, put on a fast train to Chihuahua or wherever, and locked out, for good. And that means we need real security for the border. I’m proposing deputizing up to 5000 active members of the NRA to walk patrol from Tijuana to the Gulf of Mexico, with a license to fire at anything that splashes in the water or rustles a creosote bush.”
TED NUGENT: “Count me in. Senator. I’ve got three AR-15s mounted on my F-350.”
(Voice from the crowd: “Ask questions later, Ted!)
TED CRUZ: “(Laughs). You’re the kind of people that made this country great, Ted.”
TED NUGENT: “Damned straight. OK. Next question. Rush … sir. And thanks again so much for coming all the way down here tonight. I know the bugs are a little thick and the landing strip was a little tight for your plane and the motorcade got bogged down with the crowds and all. Are you comfortable now?”
RUSH LIMBAUGH: “It’s a little warm, Ted.”
TED NUGENT: “Warm?! Can we get a stage hand to fan Mr. Limbaugh? But go ahead, Rush. Ask away.”
(Voice from the crowd: “We love you, Rush!)
RUSH LIMBAUGH: “Mr. Paul. This current ‘government’, if I can call it that, has wasted no end of taxpayer time and money on feminized, elitist quackery like ‘affordable health care’, which is the greatest misnomer I’ve ever heard, since no one I play golf with or vacation with in the Caribbean has the slightest problem affording ‘health care’. This Liberal Myth Number One. Hell, I’ve got 30 different doctors in New York and Palm Beach giving me Viagra and Oxycontin for free.
Everyone with a couple of months of semesters at a fourth-rate community college knows it’s all about working hard enough to deserve what you get. Then there’s the holy hoax of ‘global warming’ … oooo, scary! Too hot for you? Turn the air conditioner up to 10! Problem solved!
So Senator, are you going to stop wasting time with this kind of juvenile nonsense and concentrate the full power of government on the biggest issue of our time, namely the confiscatory tax rates on capital gains affecting every hard-working man and in woman standing here tonight?”
RAND PAUL: “Rush … if you don’t mind me calling you by your first name … .”
RUSH LIMBAUGH: “It’s OK … .”
RAND PAUL: “Well, as usual you couldn’t be more right. I agree with absolutely everything you say, and always have. If humans were causing the weather to change, well please. We all know the weather would have changed millions of years ago when cave men were burning everything they could find just to stay warm. There was smoke everywhere. Not that there’s any connection, of course, between neanderthals and us. That’s another example of a completely discredited liberal theory.
But absolutely. We have to focus like a laser on what we need to do to reinvigorate this economy’s ability to reward job creators. Obviously, disbanding the Federal Reserve would be a start. I also don’t see why we have a permanent government-funded emergency brake on the financial markets like the SEC. It really makes no sense. I’m also a believer that the IRS either needs to be thrown out of Washington or at the very least needs to spend the majority of its time auditing welfare cheats instead of people like you, Rush, and the folks here tonight, people who are the backbone of a truly free free market economy.”
TED NUGENT: “Damn! Is that out of this world fantastic, folks? (Enthusiastic applause.) If you folks at home think so, too, you can donate to “RandIsAsRightAsRush.org” if you have a computer. Or you can just phone in your pledge to 1-800-STOPTHE BASTARDS. And if you’re worried the Obamanauts are listening in on your phone, you can just hand me what you’ve got in your pockets tonight … and, you know, wait ’til next paycheck to get that new tattoo.
OK … time for one more. Rush, as arguably the greatest living American, now that Ronald Reagan is gone, you get the last question.”
RUSH LIMBAUGH: “Well Ted, with all due respect to Mr. Reagan, when it comes to struggling through adversity, he’s got nothing on me. You’ve heard what some of these hairy, bra-less Ivy League ‘women’ say about me, haven’t you?”
TED NUGENT: “Indeed, I have Rush. It’s criminal. It’s goddam hate-speech is what it is! If you were a homo and they said that sort of thing about you you’d have every damned Jew ACLU lawyer and New York Times columnist screaming for a rope! Not that I’m saying you’re a homo, Rush. Far, far from it … I mean ask any of your wives! I mean, yeah, baby! And that third one? She was a looker!
RUSH LIMBAUGH: “OK. So Donald Trump … . You and I run into each other from time to time at Elaine’s and Le Bernardin and other places where people who make an honest dollar aren’t vilified by effete artiste types. The Dummo-crats have system going where with the likes of Slick Willie and The Kenyan, time after time they put up these arrogant snobs, people who have lived lives of complete entitlement, from cradle to the White House, with a whole network of liberal social programs greasing the skids for them every step of the way. You know what its like to run a small business without a government hand out, and how to make something of yourself without the government clearing away the non-multicultural competition. So, I want to know what you’d do on Day One in the Oval Office? Right after the fumigators leave and the work crews take down the Swahili national colors?”
DONALD TRUMP: “Rush, even though there’s still a lot you can learn from me about speaking directly to real people, you’re smart operator, and I admire that. I’ve always said. ‘Smart guy, Rush’. If you worked for me, I might not even fire you. But Day One of my administration would be something this country would never forget.
Naturally, there’d be no more smoke screen on the birth certificate question. Those investigators I sent to Hawaii? Well, let me just tell you they’ve got stuff that will … blow your socks off. And that includes those top-notch Marcoliani cashmere babies you like, Rush. Those are fabulous socks, fabulous. I have better, but I them have hand-tailored for me at a little shop in Rome and couriered over, but yours are good.
And after we cleared that up, and showed the world what an illegitimate sham these last eight years have been, we’d start working our way down the list of major, first-class, really premium quality changes for the economy. Like infrastructure. Like exclusive lanes for top-tier business leaders to commute in and out of the best business centers. At thousands of dollars a minute those people can’t be left stalled and unproductive in ordinary traffic.
Likewise, schools. Public schools are a joke and a failure. I’d shut them all down. All they do is breed crime. Instead, I’d offer a one time voucher, several hundred dollars, for the children of hard-working Americans to choose the private, entrepreneurially-operated school of their choice. I already have a plan put together by the best business-education minds on the Gold Coast in Fairfield County, Connecticut. I call it “Gold Tier Thinking”, a system of profit-moderated schools with teachers who respect business initiative and understand basic peer-to-peer marketing, like me selling to you, Rush.”
TED NUGENT: “Hoooo! Hoooo! You are blowin’ my mind, Donald. Great stuff! Fabulous stuff! Exactly what real Main Street Americans want to hear! But that’s going to have to wrap it for tonight’s session.
Next week’s debate, which we hope will include Gov. Sarah Palin and another fellow Texan, Cong. Louie Gohmert, will be out in Pahrump, Nevada. God’s country. The FoxNews Feeedom tent will be set up in the parking lot of the Stockpile Defense LLC warehouse, just off scenic Route 160. Everyone who attends will get a coupon for 10% off 50-round magazine drums. And I urge everyone to get there early to enter the drawing for a chance to fire a bona fide J.D. Jones .950 at your choice of targets of the worst enemies of the Second Amendment, corrupt low-life losers like Diane Feinstein, Barney Frank, “Cankles” Clinton and a few surprises we can’t mention here because The Kenyan militia would send the choppers in on us.
“So thanks to everyone here tonight, especially you, Rush. And we’ll see y’all next week, unless the revolution against Socialism starts before then. So down here in front and the way to the back, how ’bout we give our viewers at home a real FoxNews Neshoba Country send-off? Everyone, mom, dad, grandpa, grandma and kids, chamber a round, or hell, 20, and let the libtards hear us roar!”
(Five minutes of furious gun fire, followed by confusion, panic, sirens and calls for emergency room attention.)
Cut to commercial for welfare scooter.