Give the Women the Keys, Please

NEW SLAUGHTERThe gist of a “Daily Show” bit last week was, given the open sewer of fake rage, naked opportunism and incompetence that is Congress today, what sort of person even wants the title of U.S. Representative? “Reporter” Aasif Mandvi began with a personable state legislator — a woman — out in California who is resisting pleadings from state Democrats to run for Congress. As I translated her explanation it was, “Oh good lord, the place is an open sewer of … “.

So no, she isn’t interested, today. Smart gal.

Cut to GOP Cong. Steve Latourette, a kind of go-to guy for Capitol reporters looking for something crusty, cranky and vaguely wise from a Republican currently serving on The Hill. (That last one takes some doing.) The conclusion of that conversation? The only people running in the present environment are “ass[bleeps]”. In fact unless you’re an ass[bleep], don’t even try because you’ll be forced into connecting with your inner ass[bleep] by an opponent way more of an ass[bleep] than you can ever be.

(My wife tells me I cuss too much on this blog, and that I’m polluting a thoughtful environment populated by bona fide communications professionals, real adults, who instinctively no better than use harsh or inflammatory language where they might be quoted. Hence the [bleep].)

This “Daily Show” bit ran simultaneous with the House GOP’s 40th or 75th vote to repeal Obamacare, a move by serious Senate ass[bleeps] to shut down the entire government this fall unless Obama agrees to defund Obamacare, [how they even imagine that is possible escapes me], open feuds between a half-dozen big name Republicans over who is or isn’t sufficiently ass[bleep]ish to be trusted, investigations of Michele Bachmann for serious campaign finance abuses and Don Shelby being courted to run for Congress.

Now please, I’m not accusing Selby of ass[bleep]ishness, although God knows thousands have. Yes, the guy is 58-ounces of full in a 48-ounce Slurpee cup of ego, but he’s not anywhere close to my definition of an ass[bleep]. (The off-record, highly profane Shelby is actually a very funny guy … and therefore anathema to the standards of this genteel blog.)

But as with so many of those composing the flow in the current sewer, Democrats calculate that Shelby possesses sufficient horsepower of raw ego to drive a campaign. That is what makes him so appealing. His opponent would be the bland shill Erik Paulsen and the turf would be the tony Third District, home to more CEOs and executives of HMOs and medical device manufacturers than you can shake a Minnetonka yacht cruise find-raiser at.

Also, Democrats (rightfully) calculate that Shelby could be elected because he is a super star in our quaint pantheon of celebrities, almost all of whom are celebrated based entirely on being seen by your grandmother on TV every night. DeRusha for President! Heidi Collins for Senate! Damn, we Minnesotans love our TV news readers.

What all this led me to conclude is that we truly have passed the point where no one, no group of people could possibly do worse, or be more appalling ass[bleeps] than the crowd that is in DC now, 90% of whom are men. (For further proof, read New York Times reporter Mark Leibovich’s breezy “This Town”.)

So, I say ban men from running for elective office in the next five or six cycles, and see what happens. Got a penis? You’re disqualified.

Conventional wisdom says female voters are restless for a woman in the White House and the job is Hillary Clinton’s if she wants it. Personally, I’d prefer Elizabeth Warren. But the point is that women, especially young women who are now much better educated than their lunkheaded, football-obsessed, too-proud-to-read male friends, are driving the bus these days in terms of both candidates and social issues.

Do you think gay marriage would be on the roll it is if it weren’t for women, with a higher regard for relationships and social justice not being as vocal as they are?

If only they could marshal the same enthusiasm for gun control and Wall Street reform.

This isn’t to say that given access to power women can’t be every bit the ass[bleeps] men are, routinely. I’m only saying that it might take five or six election cycles before they get the hang of it and recreate a sewer as foul as the one the boys have going now.

10 thoughts on “Give the Women the Keys, Please

  1. bertram jr. says:

    Bertram sees a story in the interwoveness of this piece, our handwringing over our town’s “brand”, and the recent revelation in the national magazines that we are, essentially, a ‘burg defined by douchebag (drunken) hipsters.

    Only in Minnesota do we worship, and elect unqualified ‘names’ to elected office. It’s part of our core dysfunction.

    In fact, it defines us.

    1. “Only in Minnesota” … . It might be time for Rip Van bertram to pull himself away from his Laura Ingraham podcasts and venture beyond the fortress perimeter again … .

    1. To some extent this guy is saying that the commenting thing as outlived its usefulness, and he may have a point. A dialogue with intelligent people/readers with a sense of humor has been a goal. But the culture is marinating in professional trolls. At some point the best option for moderation is the “trash” key.

  2. Hilarious! And accurate. I’ll curse Shelby with those heinous ‘soft expectations.’ Seriously, how could he be worse than Maladjusted Michele, Bozo Boner, Morbid Mitch, Creepy Cantor, Pukey Paul, Cruddy Cruze, etc? I mean, the Republican caucus is overcrowded with dumbf[bleep]ks as it is.

    Yes, more women! Lots more women! But Dems and proven moderate Republicans only.

    Just to keep it simple, let’s require any candidate to possess an IQ of 110+, and they must pass an advanced university-level test of reasoning skills. Last of all, they Must Know that 2+2 Really Does Equal 4 – All the Time, in All Circumstances.

    1. Obviously I’m ripping Shelby … just because I feel like it. He’d be a quantum step up from the Bachmanns of the world a serious upgrade from Paulsen. I’d like to see him run. But, I tell you, women are going to be the big story in the next two cycles at least. There may be too many gun-stroking hillbillies in Kentucky for Grimes to beat Mitch McConnell, but barring some catastrophe I think she’ll make it close. (And if the national Democrats aren’t pouring every available asset and brain wizard into that race, they’re not worth saving.)

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