Yet another episode of … “You can’t make this s**t up”

NEW SLAUGHTERThis just in … as noted Second Amendment freedom fighter, uber-patriot and Tea Party poster boy Ted Nugent sits down — in person — for tonight’s State of the Union Speech …


From a 1977 High Times interview dug up by Dangerous Minds

I got my physical notice 30 days prior to. Well, on that day I ceased cleansing my body. No more brushing my teeth, no more washing my hair, no baths, no soap, no water. Thirty days of debris build. I stopped shavin’ and I was 18, had a little scraggly beard, really looked like a hippie. I had long hair, and it started gettin’ kinky, matted up. Then two weeks before, I stopped eating any food with nutritional value. I just had chips, Pepsi, beer-stuff I never touched-buttered poop, little jars of Polish sausages, and I’d drink the syrup, I was this side of death, Then a week before, I stopped going to the bathroom. I did it in my pants. poop, piss the whole shot. My pants got crusted up.


So I went in, and those guys in uniform couldn’t believe the smell. They were ridiculin’ me and pushin’ me around and I was cryin’, but all the time I was laughin’ to myself. When they stuck the needle in my arm for the blood test I passed out, and when I came to they were kicking me into the wall. Then they made everybody take off their pants, and I did, and this sergeant says, “Oh my God, put those back on! You fucking swine you!” Then they had a urine test and I couldn’t piss, But my poop was just like ooze, man, so I poop in the cup and put it on the counter. I had poop on my hand and my arm. The guy almost puked. I was so proud. I knew I had these chumps beat. The last thing I remember was wakin’ up in the ear test booth and they were sweepin’ up. So I went home and cleaned up.


But you know the funny thing about it? I’d make an incredible army man. I’d be a colonel before you knew what hit you, and I’d have the baddest bunch of motherfuckin’ killers you’d ever seen in my platoon. But I just wasn’t into it.”


Where does the cliche about the gun-loving, bad-ass who does everything he can to stay out of the military rank among Modern America’s Greatest Hypocrisies?

54 thoughts on “Yet another episode of … “You can’t make this s**t up”

  1. Aside from the first 2 minutes and last minute of “Stranglehold”, Ted Nugent’s net value to the species has been a shockingly negative number.

    The above-mentioned passages might get him back to even, but still well below intestinal flora.

    – Austin

  2. Dennis McGrath says:

    Look up the word “scumbag” in Webster’s and you’ll see Ted’s photo.

    Dennis B. McGrath

    McGrath Buckley Communications Counseling
    284 Pelham Blvd.
    Saint Paul, MN 55104
    Office: (651) 646-4115
    Fax: (651) 603-8660

  3. Jeremy Powers says:

    Fairly obvious Ted Nugent has always been off his “rocker.”

    According to Wikipedia:
    In 1978, Nugent (then 30 years old) began a relationship with seventeen-year-old Hawaii native Pele Massa. Due to the age difference they could not marry so Nugent joined Massa’s parents in signing documents to make himself her legal guardian, an arrangement that Spin magazine ranked in October 2000 as #63 on their list of the “100 Sleaziest Moments in Rock”.

    What a moral pillar of America. Well, that and the three children he fathered but didn’t care for. Oh, and his two hunting violations.

    What a guy!

  4. Minnesotan says:

    The Nuge is a horrible spokesperson/representative of gun rights advocates. He’s a horrible representative of hunters as well. But we live in an MTV/Real Housewives world where the more obnoxious you can be and more drama you bring to the table the more attention you get.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if he does something stupid tonight – like shout something during Obama’s speech, wear something way over the top, have special message written on his hand/knuckles when the camera is on him, or flick the camera off.

  5. bertram jr. says:

    Ted is a true Patriot. I think it is excellent that he is there and POTUS is probably peeing his loincloth, err, pants.

    Why do you hate freedom?

  6. bertram jr. says:

    Bri – can’t you find something (anything!) on Barry Hussein Sotero Obama from 30 years ago – you know, that guy who’ll be ” ‘promptering” away again tonight?

    This is pretty thin gruel.

  7. bertram jr. says:

    Ted tells it straight. That’s refreshing….regardless of the “content”.
    He’s been very forthright about himself and his adventures. I think folks know who and what he is. He makes no apologies. Doesn’t need to. He’s a family man now. Bertram Jr has actually met him, and finds him to be quite a fine chap.

    On the other hand, Lambo and the mindless lib minions will worship a guy for being half black, and who has ….aside from his sponsors Alinsky and Wright….done absolutely NOTHING ELSE!

    What’s up with that?

    1. Jim Leinfelder says:

      Sorry, too busy following on cable the Dorner story, yet another self-pitying gun nut who prefers to kill innocents to the complexities and inequities of adult life.

    2. Bertie good man. You know how i worry for you. I really think you ought to consider taking the charge off the perimeter fence, calling back the dobermans, putting down your .50s and risk a trip to some bar where I can buy you a beverage. Yes, leaving the horse country compound does come with the possibility of encountering a multi-cultural, a homosexual waiter, and women with opinions of their own. But it’d be brief. You can sit with your back against the wall. Aces and eights.

  8. Erik says:

    Lambo, did you have to assertively dodge the draft? Or did you get lucky with a high lottery number.

    Certainly I guess, chickenhawk draft dodging is more ironic than hippie draft dodging, but the thing the ol’ doves have to answer for now is their unabashed love of Obama militarism. So a comparison between you and the Nuge might be helpful in those hypocrisy rankings we’re to do.

    1. Erik says:

      And I should clarify, my memory of your biographical introduction here at SRC is murky. But I think it’s mostly accurate to paraphrase, that as a man of conscription age during Vietnam you left the states to bum around Europe. Wink wink, I don’t think anyone misses this as a euphemism for draft dodging given some aligning contextual details. Maybe that’s not fair though. I suppose at the time there were guys who left the states to bum around Europe and they did so for exactly that reason huh? To just bum around, their draft status at home being of no consideration to the endeavor. None at all, just kind of a whimsical trip for several years.

      Be that as it may, were your story to not be apples to apples to weigh against Nugent’s… the ex-dove who loves the Obama administration’s militarism is a very real archetype, and a decent point to start as we make the comparisons for our hypocrisy rankings.

      I don’t think Nugent is that much of a hypocrite by comparison to the new pro-war Democrats. What do you think Lambo?

      1. Jim Leinfelder says:

        Erik, how young are you? Taking a trip to Europe, or anywhere else during the Vietnam draft, and then returning to the United States, was only effective if your goal was to serve time in a federal prison.

        The way to avoid the draft was to postpone that trip to Europe and stay in college, or risk losing that classist deferment. Ask most any neo-con.

      2. PM says:

        What makes you think Lambert is a pro-war democrat? (and maybe you should define exactly what that is for the rest of us)

      3. Erik says:

        I was born during the waning days of the Johnson administration. And not the Andrew Johnson administration.

        Well that’s what I’m saying, educate me then…but I would imagine it’s fair to say that most guys who gamed some inability to be conscripted did so without being prosecuted. And good for them, as far as I am concerned. I’m mostly thinking of the mental exercise being posed here re the comparing of hypocrisy, I’m not making a value judgment. So again, a pertinent detail, as I remember it, is that Lambo washed out of college. So he would have been without the student deferment, if they were still doing that then.

        PM – you might be right. I might be doing a poor job of parsing new pro-war democrat from Obama sycophant.

      4. Jim Leinfelder says:

        I’m saying war and violence mongers who avoid service but try to insinuate themselves among those who actually do serve should shut their pie holes.

      5. Erik says:

        Right, and that’s perhaps a fair statement, but it’s not quite relevant. The question posed is where does it rank among America’s greatest hypocrisies. And for purposes of that ranking, the low hanging fruit here is a comparison to a hippy draft dodger at the time, Lambo ostensibly, who is now 100% in support of Obama militarism.

        With our first exercise here, I don’t think it’s clear that Nugent is more of a hypocrite. That’s the problem I see.

  9. Jeremy Powers says:

    Bruce, Ellen, Joe, Brian:

    It’s become more and more clear that the inmates here on The Same Rowdy Crowd have taken over the asylum with Bertram and Erik willing to argue virtually anything just to argue. They remind me of the Monty Python skit “The Argument Clinic.”

    “I came here for a good argument!”
    “No you didn’t. You came here for an argument.”

    And whereas Erik occasionally makes a point, despite the flagrant sesquipedalianism, and sometimes has something to offer, Bertram has just become kind of hapless troll, winging out pathetic links and pointless barbs from all manner of Obama-anoia. Case in point: Erik simply attacks Brian for being the same as Nugent, although without the soiled drawers (thankfully). Whereas Bertram is actually defending the indefensible, ranting on for one of the most vulgar human beings on the planet.

    I guess what I am saying is: what is the point of the seemingly never-ending drivel?

    1. Erik says:

      Oh cmon, you wish for a double standard. It can’t be said my points are less weighty and more drively than that of the original post.

    2. To paraphrase Lieutenant Escobar, “Forget it, Jeremy. It’s the internet.” While I know for a fact from back-channel correspondence that the regular, predictable barrage of clinical obsessions holds no appeal to commenters with adult-levels of literacy and self-reflection, the judgment of the SRC ruling council is that we will in no way moderate our audience. While I think simply requiring a Facebook pass-through would weed out the worst of the anonymous rabble … and encourage more participation from those brave enough to attach their real names to their opinions, I am but a mere subject of the elders in this forum. I serve at their pleasure and kneel to kiss the hem of their garments.

      1. Minnesotan says:

        Honestly, as long as people are discussing the topic at hand, what does their “real name” have to do with anything in terms of commenting on a blog? In the age of Catfishing, you can’t be sure the person is who they say they are anyway. I’m fairly certain I could list myself as Barack Obama or anyone else I choose in the comment field.

      2. Erik says:

        You’re showing some admirable perspective and thick skin sir.

        So, you didn’t cow your draft board the way Nugent did apparently. What did you do, wear a dress for the interview?

      3. Erik says:

        This is not superfluous to the conversation, by the way. The cultural operative we’ve tripped over is that anyone of Vietnam age asserting their own service or someone else’s hypocrisy can expect to be asked for a factual account of their status at the time. So that it can be determined they have the stature to make such a comment, etc. That’s the way it works.

        So you’re of that age, right Lambo? And this is where I could be wrong, because I really only gather that from what I read of your writings over the years. And if I’m wrong, that makes it pretty easy to call me out as foolish eh.

    3. PM says:

      By their words shall you know them….

      I generally agree, Jeremy, but I think that it is possible to tell who is serious and who is not. Erik doesn’t seem to be pulling the wool over your eyes (I agree with your general assessment). I don’t think that he is fooling anyone else, either.

      Over time, we all get to know who is serious and who is not, who we will pay attention to and who we will ignore. (and some of it is fun).

    1. Based on bertram’s long-noted AWOL issues, he will have to first phone ahead to the bar and leave his credit card number. If bertram actually arrives, I’ll cover the tab.

  10. Jeremy Powers says:

    And whereas my draft lottery number was 2, the Selective Service stopped taking people the year I graduated from high school. And I would have tried to avoid serving in what was clearly the stupidest war at the time – only to be completely outdone by the War in Iraq, v.2.

    However, if I had been drafted, I would NOT have crapped my pants to avoid service. As the son of a Navy Lieutenant, I would have tried to stay out of the worst of the swamps. I tend to buy soldiers and sailors drinks at airports, donate to the USO and give my leftover junk to the Disable American Vets. And I don’t go around supporting this whole collection of chicken hawks, suggesting we have to go to the Middle East and sort out all of those countries, too. However, our patriotic pants pisser, as quoted here, supports the gutless Dick Cheneys, Newt Gingrichs and Mitch McConnells.

    The people I know that were in war, like my father who was wounded in the Battle of Leyte Gulf, were never the first to start rattling sabers. They knew what dead soldiers and sailors looked like.

    I remember in college, during the Iranian Hostage Crisis, it was a motor-pool sergeant who served his whole tour stateside who was hollering for blood the loudest.

    1. Erik says:

      I had no reason to assume you were that old. Interesting.

      So Lambo, what was your deal? Famously, Rush Limbaugh was 4F because he had an ass cyst or something. Were you 4F Lambo? CO? Game it a bit with deferments? Dodge it and then take Carter’s amnesty? What?

      1. Jim Leinfelder says:

        Erik, you fail utterly to apprehend the pretty salient point here, or, more likely, willfully ignore it. Either way, your disingenuous pose seems merely to serve to continue your narcissistic ad hominem vendetta for Lambert. It may well ventilate your dark spleen. But none of the rest of us get a thing out of it. And its rather unseemly to witness.

        If you don’t understand how the draft worked during the Vietnam “conflict,” Bing, Google, or ask your Dad about it.

      2. Jeremy Powers says:

        For the record, Rush Limbaugh never underwent a draft board medical examination. He had a private doctor present a report that said he had a pilonidal cyst – which is essentially an ingrown hair on his ass. In most of this country, that would have gotten him classified – at absolute best – as 1-Y: available only in time of war. Most people with that ailment would have been given a 30-day medical deferment, which means they would have faced a real army/navy doctor a month later. The fact is his father was a big-time lawyer. He skated on his family’s wealth. No other possible explanation for it. he wasn’t the only one. This was happening to most of the Hollywood teens at the time, too.

        Limbaugh should have been fit enough. He played football less than two years earlier.

        Classic chickenhawk – war is OK for other people.

        Vietnam was, essentially, a poor-man’s war. With some exceptions, such as John Kerry, most of the people in it – like jury duty – just couldn’t find a good enough reason to not be there. College deferments were easy in California and Minnesota. Colleges would take anyone with a high school diploma. Everyone who went that route was just buying time hoping the war would be over before they had to go.

        In my high school, the guys who went voluntarily were all fascinated by guns or tanks or ships. They saw no danger and wanted to play with the toys. Lucky for them, few of them ever saw combat.

    2. PM says:

      My draft number was 56, but again, they stopped the draft a year or two before i was 18.

      FWIW, i also knew a bunch of vets who were active in VVAW. They had some pretty gruesome stories to tell. Not a fun time, and a pretty pointless war, from the very beginning. How we ever allowed ourselves to be put in the position of trying to prop up the failed edifices of French colonialism is beyond me. Remember that Ho Chi Minh led a delegation to the Treaty of Versailles (at the end of the First World War) seeking support for his liberation movement from the US–inspired by Wilson’s 14 points. Wilson never met with him.

      Seriously, Erik, you should drop your Lambert obsession. Not only are people here not forced to share things, but the whole basis of your argument is gone–Lambert can’t be guilty of hypocrisy because he has been critical of Obama’s drone war. He can’t be a chicken hawk because he isn’t a hawk. Your entire point is false. continuing to press this just makes your obsession obvious, and rather pathetic.

  11. Erik says:

    I understand the point Jim. We’re talking chickenhawk, the archetype, etc.

    I think it’s an interesting exercise to turn that archetype on its head, with Lambo as the chickenhawk. It fits. He’s an unabashed supporter of Obama’s imperial war. All that’s left to make the hypocrisy complete is to ascertain is whether Lambo was a conscientious objector or draft evader or some sort. Which seems not out of the question.

    It can be answered eh? Lets have it Lambo?

    1. The way he talked about it I was expecting a two bedroom 1200 sq footer in Hialeah. You know, with a concrete front yard and a chain link fence to keep the dawg in. Damn, I loooove these guys.

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