“If I Were King”, 2013 edition.

NEW SLAUGHTERThe King apologizes for being out of court for the past fortnight. Official business in the distant reaches of his vast realm required his attention. But now, upon his return, he sees that the usual assortment of mulish knavery, imbecilism and jowl-flapping pedantry is still afflicting his people … and he is not pleased. Then again, he’s built an empire on never being pleased about anything, except for perhaps the swift and cruel humiliations of his enemies, like in the most recent election. (Although he would have been happier had it been far swifter.)

So, as he brushes dust from his raiment and rests his road-weary crown on its velour pouffe, The King summons his sullen scribes with this year’s list of changes deemed necessary to restore peace and harmony to his lands.

Here, here and herewith:

1:  The King has had it up to his royal migraine with fools with guns. And while a fresh series of decrees will be helpful, few things will cut to the core of the gun “problem” like a strategy for extracting the misguided notions of bravery, masculinity and exceptional expertise from what is plainly an juvenile, emotional cry for relevance. As a Catholic-in-name-only The King finds shame to be particularly useful in reducing a pretense of courage to its essential silliness. Therefore …

1 (a) The royal populace will be routinely informed — by its media — of how low the actual violent crime rate is, the ridiculous odds against being a victim of a violent home invasion in most of the kingdom’s neighborhoods, the number of innocent people killed or wounded by terrified homeowners opening fire simply because they were “patriotic” enough to buy a gun and the utter ludicrousness of Constitutional illiterates thinking their basement arsenal is going to keep the CIA and ATF at bay when Big Gummint comes to take away their “freedoms”.

1(b) Not only will the name and address of every gun owner be placed in a kingdom-wide data base, for all to see, especially all those hardened criminals plotting to break in and kill them for their flat screen TVs, but every individual gun owned by that individual will be listed, as well as every purchase of ammunition … and that individual’s criminal history, be it for tax fraud, reckless driving or restraining orders by old girlfriends. Criminals … and cops coming through the door … have a right to know what they’re dealing with.

1(c) The kingdom’s entertainment industry, its jesters and dramatists, will cease trading in revenge fantasies involving gunfire. If aging macho men like Sly Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis require mass amounts of ammo to shore up their manly bona fides the kingdom’s taxing authority will assess a per bullet fee for every shot fired. At a rate of say $50,000/bullet sound effect, producers will quickly reevaluate the cost of producing brain-numbing dreck appealing mainly to emotionally unevolved males and so many “overseas action markets”.

1(d) Likewise, the kingdom’s video game industry, financially linked to the gun manufacturing industry, will be subject to the same bullet assessment, plus another for body count. The King has ordered his court minions to come up with a scale of quantifiable video game “storyline” stupidity for additional assessing, but is still awaiting their decision.

1(e)  The kingdom’s gun lobby, so fearful a presence in the careers of elected noblemen and women, will NOT be granted “a place at the table” in conversations about getting rid of this form of homegrown terrorism. The liquor industry isn’t routinely invited to AA meetings, so why should the NRA, a paid bitch of the gun manufacturers, be granted a voice in dealing with the mayhem caused by their products?

1(f)  The King hereby orders immediate repeal of the Protection of Lawful Commerce in Arms Act of 2005. The act prevents lawsuits against gun manufacturers in state and federal court. Last time The King checked, drug manufacturers can still be sued if their products kill people. By lifting the PLCA Act the gun manufacturing industry can bravely, courageously and patriotically face the same kind of legal liability as everyone else in the large and happy kingdom.

And on other matters …

2. No money handler in the kingdom caught defrauding citizens through fraudulent loan modifications, “robo-signing” foreclosure documents or any other such 48th floor knavery will be able to settle complaints “without admitting guilt”. In other words, like a street punk caught smoking a joint behind a royal stable, anything Bank of America, AIG or Goldman Sachs says can and will be held against them in a court of law … even after the kingdom accepts a pennies on the dollar settlement for flagrant fraud.

3. The King is also very bored with these episodes of repeated obstruction. The King recognizes the opposing feudal barons, also known as the Republicans, have no actual legislative plan of their own, much less any control over the 50 to 70 manifest morons identified as “their base”. But that doesn’t mean the rest of us have to suffer for the sins and lack of discipline in that house of fools. Therefore, The King will be exercising the 14th amendment over the debt ceiling stupidity and every other executive order he can grab at to blow past these idiots and get a few things done around here. And so what if they howl about violations of their precious “Constitutional freedoms”? They scream that when you’re standing still waiting for them to pull their thumbs out of their butts, so what is The King afraid of?

3(a). Ditto the Senate “filibuster”. Take it out behind the petit palais, borrow a bullet from the NRA and be done with it.

Finally, 4. The King fears few things more than intrusion of movie musicals into discussions of art. Musicals are twaddle for a generation still clinging to Lerner and Loewe. The King has faced many fearsome opponents on the field of battle. Hideous goons with broken teeth, sallow eyes and hot, diseased breath. (Oh, sorry, those were agents of the American Legislative Exchange Council “instructing” salaried court knaves on proper decree-writing.) But nothing is as terrifying as The Queen forcing him to attend “Les Mis” and listen to Russell Crowe sing.

God save the kingdom!

66 thoughts on ““If I Were King”, 2013 edition.

  1. 1a?

    Counting on the media is like counting on the dogs in “Up.” Squirrel! The attention span of a ADHD preteen in a store that sells electronics, toys, sugared soft drinks with caffeine and candy.

    And the addresses of all publishers and editors, including their home phone numbers. I always love it when the media thinks they’re providing some “sunshine” purpose like this and I’ve rarely had an editor who had a published phone number. Always good for other people and not so much for themselves. It actually reminds me of people’s opinions about guns, Many people think they should have a gun, but it’s every one else they’re worried about. Go to a gun show and you’ll see a sign that says no uncased guns. Really? You’re selling pistols in a state in which anyone can get a carry permit, but not in your gun show. I talked to one guy who said the reason was the collective value of the guns. Like apparently they think it exceeds the value of a big jewelry store.

    1. While its fairly easily to get a hold of the average reporter wretch, newspaper’s top editors and TV stations’ top managers could do us all a favor by holding a weekly call-in, allowing reader/viewers the opportunity to question/criticize/berate them directly. Obviously, as we see even here at SRC, that sort of thing could go south pretty fast. But it comes with the territory and these people should be inured enough to criticism and knuckleheads to take the hits.

      The King is still considering a kind of Warning Stamp for TV news, like we have on cigarette packs. He’s thinking a disclaimer required to be read aloud prior to each newscast. Something to the effect that “Despite what you are about to hear, you have never been safer in your own home. Rates of violence against strangers has never been lower in the United States and rates for such crimes are as low in Minnesota as they are in Western Europe. Your sense of need for personal firearms is wildly exaggerated, quite possibly due to overexposure to pulp entertainment, fear-mongering advocacy media, lax parenting and the type of news that begins …now.”

      1. Jeremy Powers says:

        I worked for an editor who barely spoke to his staff. And a publisher who never talked to anyone. At the same time. I was kind of quasi city editor at the time. So guess who got all the paranoid phone calls, pleas to leave their name out of the paper, etc.

        As for TV, it should carry a warning: Television will make you stupid. If you watch Fox News, it’s already too late.

  2. bertram jr. says:

    Bertram Jr is shocked, SHOCKED, that yet another missive by the purported ‘king” has arrived, albeit this one not accompanied by photos of the “king” slurping a snowcone, lining up a putt or wearing flip flops (thank you).

    Bertram is justifiably alarmed, as well, at the “psychologicalness” of the “kings” gun-phobic analysis of, and yes, sweeping generalization of all gun owners “deep motives”. In response I say, heal thyself, physician!

    Along with an adoring tribute to the confusion that is Jodie Foster, Bertram awaits a similarly fervent, and no less obsfucational, call by the “king” to ban all eating utensils, lest the kingdom continue on it’s path to, er, pimply-assed obesity.

  3. Erik says:

    I gotta think that the old ECM / Sun papers, say the Belle Plain Herald or the Stillwater Gazette, would pay top dollar for a guy who can come up with stuff like this AND cover some local school board meetings.

  4. PM says:

    Damn, I have to agree with you on #4. I have, so far, refused to see Les Mis. I can’t even stand listening to the music. I’ll take my Victor Hugo straight up, thank you very much!

  5. Mike Thomas says:

    I am glad the King wants to do away with the filibuster. When the Republicans control all congress and the White House I can assume the Democrats will be anxious to give it up.

      1. Mike Thomas says:

        King, 2004 was not that long ago. And the 2 point margin in the popular vote is not exactly a mandate.

      2. Joe Loveland says:

        If the humble Royal Food Taster may interject:

        “Barack Obama is the first president in more than five decades to win at least 51 percent of the national popular vote twice, according to a revised vote count in New York eight weeks after the Nov. 6 election.

        The president nationally won 65.9 million votes — or 51.1 percent — against Republican challenger Mitt Romney, who took 60.9 million votes and 47.2 percent of the total cast.”


      3. Newt says:

        Ah, Your Royal Horse’s Ass … Obama won by a SMALLER margin in 2012 than in 2008. The trend suggests Dems are on the way down.

      1. And, just to put a fine(r) point on it … this crowd has more affinity with which end of the gun control spectrum? The paranoid “NRA patriots” or those living in the “reality-based” world?

      2. Jim Leinfelder says:

        Hey, Lambo, you share a deep appreciation for “LOST” with at least one of these discerning thinkers:

        One man has taken it upon himself to catalog all of the theories at SandyHookHoax.com. By way of credentials, creator Jay Johnson explains: “I am the only person in the world to solve LOST,” he writes (yes, the TV show).

    1. bertram jr. says:

      Dearest Ellen:

      Your level of gun knowledge has bneen made abundantly clear.

      The Daisy Red Ryder has done more for our country than you could ever imagine. Kids, being humans and not unicorns, have the natural instincts of warriors, and of good vs. evil.

      It is indeed sorry that you, Obama, Biden, Pelosi, Feinstein, Bloomberg, Soros and Lambert would like to “fix” that, while endorsing such joys as abortion and homosexuality.

  6. bertram jr. says:

    And Bertram is still anxiously awaiting the King’s certification / clarification of Jodie Foster’s, er, speech.


    Bertram knows the King is well versed in the ways of the Hollyweird.

  7. bertram jr. says:

    So, you’re saying using innocent kids as props while you assault the Constitution is lame?

    I’d say you’re going a bit light on it.

    1. Jim Leinfelder says:

      List for us all, Maginnis, the executive orders signed that day that “assault the Constitution.” He’s basically using Reagan-era gun violence measures, much as he’s used Romney and the American Enterprise Institute’s health care “reform” to broaden access to health care.

      So, I guess, when one looks at it that way, your never-ceasing outrage has nothing much to do with policy.

      1. PM says:

        you called it–the never ceasing outrage really does not have much to do with reality, either. outrage for the sake of outrage.

        Sort of like the war on christmas…..

      2. Erik says:

        As I say, I think my peeps are a bit gauche. Crass. I guess they make up for it by being in the right. We seem to have established it’s not the gun people who need basic literacy of firearms and the law.

        Tomorrow I’ll be driving from the wilds of exurban Washington county up to the St. Cloud gun show. A lot of classic stuff has been kicked loose as guys have liquidated to buy ARs. I’ll report back.

      3. Erik says:

        Jim, whats the nature of the ‘irony’ in your point. You think there’s a lack of money to enforce the law? Coppers earn $125k a year these days. Mind you, a lot of that is overtime sandbagging. But there’s plenty of money in law enforcement.

      4. Jim Leinfelder says:

        It’s about spending money on the paperwork, or, actually, taking the paperwork digital, to track the people who aren’t supposed to have guns. Or, maybe start with not lobbying against effective tracking.

        So, how were the wispy bearded crazies?

      5. Erik says:

        Right. There’s no reason coppers won’t do that for ten hrs a week so that they can submit their 20 hrs of overtime. If they’re not doing it, the county prosecutors aren’t asking for it.

      6. Erik says:

        Gun show was packed. I got up there at 8:45, 15 minutes prior to formal opening. Which was good, because pretty soon there was a line at the door a couple hundred people long. The space in there was not much larger than a basketball gymnasium, so it got very crowded.

        The average guy who has a table at a Midwestern gun show is about 65 – 70 years old. And they cater to the hunting and fishing crowd. So the newbie attendees were kind of underserved. There were not a lot of good semi auto handguns or double action revolvers to be had. I saw 2 AKs, in which the asks were kind of ridiculous. I didn’t see any ARs.

        Went to Scheels – St. Cloud. Store was very sleepy, except for the firearms section, which had 2 or 3 dozen guys shopping. Not enough staff members to serve all the guys.

        Went to Element Arms in Becker on the way home. This is a full service gun shop in modern retail space, maybe 1500 square feet. There were probably two dozen guys there, and the store had absolutely zero inventory of any appeal. What was left were .22 rifles that look like ARs, which is kind of a popular product niche these days. But there were no real ARs, nor any other centerfire rifles or decent handguns. They are out of ‘real’ inventory.

        I bought a nice six-shooter this month for $250, which the seller should have asked $500 for. But such was their haste to unload it to buy an AR. Its very weird out there. I do find it all unsettling.

      7. Erik says:

        I mean, I’m just wondering if you are actually good at irony Jim. Or do people just sort of chuckle, and move on to the next part of the conversation without ever figuring out what it is you’re talking about.

        I’ve got time though. How is ejaculate analogized?

      8. Jim Leinfelder says:

        (sigh) Yours is a literal mind, Erik. Engineer, right? In both cases, something unsavory is revealed to be in our midst.

      9. Erik says:


        I said this before. I find my gun peeps a bit gauche, a bit off putting here. They make people uncomfortable with the repugnant Facebook memes, etc. This is not how I’d like things to be.

        I don’t know how to reconcile that against the fact that we’ve carried the day again in terms of the politics. We’ve won.

      10. Jim Leinfelder says:

        And what is it that you imagine you’ve won? From here, it doesn’t appear to be much of a prize.

      11. PM says:

        “I don’t know how to reconcile that against the fact that we’ve carried the day again in terms of the politics. We’ve won.”

        I’m going to take that as an admission that Obama really isn’t a radical socialist from kenya, that his policies (including Obamacare) are really extremely moderate to mildly conservative and would quite comfortably fit in the portfolios of Republicans from the 1980’s (including President Reagan). All of which i think is true and accurate.

        You (well, maybe not you personally, but conservatives?) have won by making fools of yourselves thru extremism. On the other hand, those of us who were moderates all along have won thru integrity.


      12. Erik says:

        PM, I lapsed into self consciousness. I would not like to be tarred with that broad brush, so I wish my peeps had a cooler edge. But as I say, the wavering would-be centrists have been sufficiently cowed it would appear. So there’s not much basis for me to question the success of that.

        Other thing is, Pres. Clinton reminded us yesterday about the other side’s long history of ‘condescending’. IE, what we call snark and douchebaggery around here. So I am mindful to not hold myself and my like-minded people to a civility standard the ‘irony’ crowd never held itself to.

        To the extent we won the politics by being loud and extreme, it’s just as fair to note you folks lose it via rudeness and ignorance. I don’t expect the chimps around here to be able to acknowledge that, or Joe or Jim, but it ought not to have escaped you.

  8. bertram jr. says:

    “Do not blame Caesar, blame the people of Rome who have so enthusiastically acclaimed and adored him and rejoiced in their loss of freedom and danced in his path and given him triumphal processions. Blame the people who hail him when he speaks in the Forum of the new wonderful good society which shall now be Rome’s, interpreted to mean more money, more ease, more security, and more living fatly at the expense of the industrious.” –Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 BC)

    1. PM says:


      you’re fiddling with your metaphors and allusions, here, and getting them all mixed up! (surprise, surprise).

    2. Jim Leinfelder says:

      Hmmmm, another conservative internet meme dutifully, albeit uncomprehendingly, cut and pasted, one assumes. It has that redolence. And I don’t see BJ revisiting the classics.

      As someone once said, people who borrow their opinions from others can never return the favor.

  9. Minnesotan says:

    I realize this was written tongue-in-cheek, but it would appear that in Lambo’s ideal world he advocates:

    1) Government interference with freedom of the press (interesting for a news man)
    2) Censorship
    3) Trampling the 2nd amendment
    4) Invasion of privacy

    That’s pretty enlightened stuff. May as well reverse the progress we’ve made as a country over the past few hundred years. I will agree with him regarding Musicals though.

  10. bertram jr. says:

    All we know is he is neither here, nor there. In a manner of speaking.

    But you are certainly correct. And as prescient as….Cicero!

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