‘Hits-For-Cash’ Bounty Scandal Rocks Minnesota Legislature

Saint Paul (AP) — The far-reaching investigation into a Minnesota Legislature “bounty” scandal is reverberating across the nation and threatens to tarnish the loveable image of the Minnesota GOP Party.

As many as 27 Minnesota GOP legislators were reportedly paid an undisclosed amount of Super PAC donations for vicious hits intended to knock low-income Minnesotans out of the safety net.

According to undisclosed sources, GOP-friendly Super PACs paid into a “bounty” fund, and former GOP Chair Bobby Butterball would dole out the bounty payments based on how many low income people were knocked out of the social safety net.

Especially large bounties were reportedly paid by Super PACs for a number of recent bell-ringing hits against vulnerable Minnesotans:

• Making deep budget cuts impacting the most vulnerable Minnesotans, in order to protect the wealthy from paying their fair share in taxes;
• Attacking poverty stricken children as “animals” who shouldn’t be fed;
• Blocking implementation of the Affordable Care Act, which will reduce the uninsured rate by 32 million people; and
• Pushing a photo ID law that makes it more difficult for low income people to vote bounty recipients out of office.

Facing mounting evidence, Butterball now admits carrying out the cash-for-performance scheme.

“If children were somehow upset by being called “animals” who shouldn’t be fed, we sincerely regret that they are choosing to victimize us,” Butterball said in a written apology. “Instead of getting caught up in it, I should have done a better job covering it up. For that, I am deeply, deeply sorry.”

Despite the tearful Butterball apology, many Republican legislators maintain politics has always been a violent sport built around punishing your most vulnerable constituents. And they point out that Minnesota Republicans still have 17 percent of Minnesotans who approve of their job performance.

Robert Hitman, a former GOP spokesperson and writer of the blog democratsaregravysuckingpigswhoaregoingtofryforallofeternityinhell.com, said the best legislators in the history of politics have always brought a toughness to the game.

“They want an edge mentally,” explained Hitman. “They want to break their opponent’s will to vote, and the best way to break to do that is to strip away their ability to eat, work and get health care for their loved ones. The media needs to stop whining, because that’s just how the game is played.”

Still, many political observers say the bounty program went too far.

“We really have to figure out where to draw the line,” said University of Minnesota political science professor Clarence B. Milquetoast. “And now I’m obligated to say that both parties are equally guilty.”

19 thoughts on “‘Hits-For-Cash’ Bounty Scandal Rocks Minnesota Legislature

  1. Dennis McGrath says:

    “Former GOP chairman Bobby Butterball” is my favorite nom de plume.
    Great satire, Joe.

    1. Joe Loveland says:

      A Note From The SRC Legal Department: All characters depicted in this post are purely fictional. Any resemblance these characters have to real people is coincidental.

  2. That’s funny, Joe. No doubt you’re girding for the inevitable charge of being unnecessarily rough to decent, honest people whose only crime was … mangling the truth for personal gain. You bastard!

  3. PM says:

    Hmmm, just can’t stop the old false moral equivalence, can you, Joe? I mean, equating the GOP with the NFL!! And taking several pages from Lambert’s book, with the tawdry sexual innuendos as well. Well, this kind of cheap shot tells us much more about your peculiar fixations and perversions than it tells us about the current state of the political world! (not to mention your various inadequacies!)

    1. Erik says:

      That’s probably a decent direction to take a parody of me, but topically its not quite the best fit. in point of fact I’m not in opposition to welfare or the broader safety net and I don’t find it sporting to pick on poor people.

  4. Newt says:

    The politics have class warfare are in abundant evidence here. An evil capitalist behind every bush.

    I think Loveland would be much happier living in Greece, freeloading off the hard work of the Germans.

    1. john sherman says:

      Speaking of class warfare, conservatives are trying to make people envy the miserable; witness the number of pieces talking about the “lucky duckies” who have the good fortune to not pay any income taxes just because they don’t have very much income. Then there’s the line to non-union workers which basically is, “Union workers have decent pay, reasonable benefits and some job security and you don’t, so the solution is that we get together to trash unions so all working people can be equally miserable.”

      As Kevin Drum says, the German taxpayer is going to get reamed, and the only question is whether they give their money to Greek people or German bankers–I’m betting on the latter. The thing I don’t see mentioned in the discussions of Greece, Italy, Spain, etc. is what would their economic state be like if everybody paid the taxes they’re scheduled to pay. Iceland, which longer seems to adore bankers, appears to be doing comparatively well.

      1. Jim Leinfelder says:

        I screwed up, meaning to post this on Joe’s post about the joys of blogging. But you were certainly an intended reader.

        1. Erik says:

          I got that.

          I don’t see how you weave this anecdote into a cheap comeuppance fantasy. I mean, is a pre-geriatric doucheguy to track the troll down and sock him in the nose? It’s a stretch. You’d think the fantasy has to be kind of believable to get something out of it.

          1. Jim Leinfelder says:

            You’re a literal guy, Erik. It just struck me as something that would resonate with the people you and the other anonymous trolls here hector.

  5. bertram jr. says:

    Question: If the Strib reports that 2 are shot at a northside “VIGIL” for a northside shooting victim, when do they report on where and how the guns were obtained, and the legal status of the shooters (aka an extant permit to carry)? Or do we just proceed with more street Kabuki theatre?

    Because with all this shooting on the ‘northside’ I’d expect some referencing to the wild west scenarios that were

  6. bertram jr. says:

    breathlessly anticpated by the anti-gun libbers. Instead, there’s a strange……..silence.

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