Tiger Rebooted

Last December, I asked the question, “What does Tiger Woods want to do?”  Today, we’ll begin to get the answer as the world’s greatest philanderer/golfer (Shouldn’t it have its own word like biathlon?) convenes a hand-picked group of journalists and others to be stage props in the first gambit of his coming out campaign (he’s reading a statement, taking no questions).

While we don’t know for sure what he’ll say – he could be retiring, could be coming back, could be becoming a monk –  the expectation is that he wants to resume a semblance of his previous life.  If that’s the case, this set-piece will include:

  • An apology
  • A plea for understanding and privacy
  • A resolve to make things right with his family
  • A pledge to live up to the expectations of his family, friends and fans
  • An intention to resume playing golf

We will, if everyone’s guess is accurate, hear these words and phrases:

  • “Sorry”
  • “Regret”
  • “Harm”
  • “Hurt”
  • “Apologize”
  • “Not perfect”
  • “Therapy”
  • “Let down”
  • “Daily struggle”
  • “Recovery”
  • “Commitment”
  • “Resolved to”
  • “Return”

Anybody who’s ever written or delivered a statement like the one Team Tiger has been working on for weeks/months, recognizes these words as the basic set of building blocks in the Lego kit of image rehabilitation. So too will any participant in a 12-step program.

One thing for sure, though, is that – if Tiger’s coming back and not retiring to Tigerland – this is just the first step in a carefully designed campaign.  The next predictable step in the image rehabilitation racket is “The Big Interview” where the subject submits himself to an hour-long interview with one of our collective confessors – Oprah, Bob Kostas (in the field of sports), Larry King, somebody at 60 Minutes) – to “answer the tough questions” in a heavily promoted special show.

For those interested in this stuff, I’m going to reprise my appearance on WCCO-AM this morning with Susie Jones and John Hines to listen to the statement and then puzzle out what it means.  You can listen live on-line.  Should be fun.

– Austin

14 thoughts on “Tiger Rebooted

  1. IMHO – and I’m not a PR person – Tiger should have just straight-armed the press and gone back to work. This notion that he is some kind of sex-pervert is ridiculous in the extreme. He is an alpha male. If that caused problems between he and his wife, that is theirs to work out. What seems to be proceeding is an emasculation of the greatest golfer ever. It is very sad. The one thing he could do is get back to golfing.

    BTW – I know several psychiatrists and they all say he is not a sex-addict, just a horny young man with access to easy sex. I saw that asshole Johnny Miller on the TV machine the other day chastising Tiger and basically saying that without a repentant attitude he was finished, and he had to start by prostrating himself in front of the media.

  2. Wouldn’t it be fascinating if Tiger decided to come out in the style of the good old days of the WWF and turn into the bad guy?

    “To my wife and my kids – I am terribly sorry for being a horrible husband and father. I have failed you. My wife has decided to leave me and take my kids to her family in Europe.

    In light of this sad news, I am beginning a new chapter in my life. One of honesty, not lies. One of openness, not secrets. I am about to become a complete and total ladies man.

    I mean, come on. I’m TIGER WOODS. The hottest golfer in the land. I’m rich. Chicks dig me. Starting today, and every Friday to follow, I will announce what city I’ll be in over the weekend at my new Twitter feed, @SleepingWithTheTiger. Ladies: you’ll have 8 hours to offer yourselves up to me. DM with pictures and STD test results.

    I will then tee off time after time with the most beautiful women of the land. You sign a waiver, take a picture with me holding it, and we get down to the swinging of Tiger’s club.

    Once again, I’m TIGER. If you could, you’d do it too, America.”

    1. I guess we’ll find out if the lifestyle was a contributing factor to his winning, eh? What if the kind of psychic boost one gets out of sexual conquest actually helped him?

    2. PM says:

      I have to admit, I’d love to see it–or, rather, the reaction to it. People of all stripes would be apoplectic. The moralizing, the tut-tutting, it would be a complete circus. And fun to sit back and watch. Probably would be the most excitement golf has ever seen.

  3. Mike Kennedy says:

    I am an avid golfer and I love watching Tiger play, but I’ve never cared for nor have I cared about his personality nor his personal life — anymore than I care about LeBron James or Alex Ovechkin or A-Rod or any other superstars in their sports.

    I am a “spectator,” not an armchair pschologist or moralizer in any sense of the word. On a side note, anyone see the psychologist or therapist who had “theraputic sex” with his clients and then billed their insurance companies. We know this guy has balls (in more ways than one).

  4. Newt says:

    Why is it consultants feel compelled to serve up the spurned wives – and now the mother – of the philanderer at press conference mea culpas?

    It makes the philanderer look all the more wretched, and the spouses/moms all the more exploited. Very bad idea.

    1. Newt says:

      Forgot to add … Ask any woman about their reaction to seeing the spurned wife on the podium (Mrs. Spitzer, Mrs. Clinton, Mrs. Kobe Bryant, Mrs. McGreevy, Mrs. Sanford, etc.) and they will tell you it is a horrible idea. So too in the case of Mama Woods.

  5. Dylan says:

    I just checked your predictions against the transcript of his statement. You were 5-for-5 with your list of main points, and 6-for-13 with your list of key words. If you’d gone with “dedicated” instead of “committed,” “selfish” instead of “not perfect,” and “pain” instead of “harm,” your batting average would have gone up significantly.

  6. I think he did well. I’m usually on the side of the media, but in celebrity journalism — which is surely an oxymoron — I don’t think Woods needed to do a news conference. The gangbang of “reporters” chasing a “story” like this isn’t something anybody needs to be part of or to see. Woods had his say — and did it pretty well. Later can come a conversation with one smart reporter, as I think it was Austin suggested.

    Surely there are more important things to pay attention to. Like Nancy Grace’s latest kidnapping orgasm.

  7. Ellen Mrja says:

    Lots of back-slapping for this wayward champ, I see. “Alpha male”?

    My favorite moment of this ordeal? When Larry King asked the Dalai Lama what he would say to Tiger Woods and his holiness answered he did not know who Tiger Woods was. Hah.

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