Mullet-Americans Rally Around Pawlenty

Mullet-Americans are “cautiously optimistic” about rumors that mulleted Minnesotan Tim Pawlenty may soon be named Senator John McCain’s vice presidential running mate.

“It would obviously be historic, and it could really balance the ticket, what with McCain’s embarassing lack of hair below the cervical vertebrae,” said mullet-American activist Billy Rae Cyrus.

Still reeling from the political demise of skullet-American Jesse Ventura and fem-mullet-American Hillary Clinton, mulleteers continue to claim Pawlenty as one of their own, despite allegations that he has recently scaled back on the party side of his do.

“Look, we understand that candidates have to ‘run to the middle’ in the general election,” said actress Florence Henderson. “Even I’ve had to moderate under pressure from the mainstream manes running the major studios. But we know Pawlenty will do the right thing once he gets in the White House.”

Mullet-Americans were once a proud and influential group in the 1980s, led by the likes of Ziggy Stardust, MacGyver, Michael Bolton, and Luke from General Hospital. But more recently, an ugly wave of mulletism pushed them into the margins of society.

“Great Clips has actually refused me service, and the ACLU just laughed about it,” said one mullet-American, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, due to fear for his safety. “It’s very emotional to think that some day I might see someone who looks like me attending obscure funerals and being appointed to toothless commissions.”

To understand the tremendous obstacles Pawlenty faces as he attempts to break through what many say is the highest and hardest glass ceiling, consider the hate speech directed at the mulleted minority: “Hockey hair, ten ninety, helmet hair, coupe Longueuil, haircut o’ death, neckwarmer, shorty longback, the 10-90, the Kentucky waterfall, the bi-level, the faded glory, the Ben Franklin, the Missouri Compromise, the Louisiana Purchase, the Camaro crash helmut, the business cut (business in front, party in the back), the LPGA, the soccer flip, the convertible, the Tennessee top hat, the Mississippi mudflap, the Canadian passport, the New Jersey neckwarmer, the Chattanooga choo choo, and the neck blanket.” In perhaps the ultimate insult to Minnesota’s Governor, the proud mullet is sometimes even referred to as “the Wisconsin waterfall.”

Though fossil records prove that homo sapiens with primative mullets have walked the Earth for at least 130,000 years, it was 2001 before the word “mullet” even appeared in dictionaries. The historical implications of a Pawlenty candidacy are not lost on beleaguered ape drape advocates.

“I do get emotional about it,” said Cyrus, whose own hind-heavy tresses have been referred to by mulletist hate groups as The Achy-Breaky Mistakie. “They can call us what they want, but come January, let’s just say there is going to be Pawlenty of hair facing east on the inaugural stage.”

- Loveland

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10 Responses

  1. An absolute treat! And Florence Henderson (yes, the reclusive, hermetically sealed Florence Henderson)–on the record. Amazing coup! “Rolling Stone” I hear couldn’t get near her for a proposed profile. Very enjoyable essay. Deserves to be published–like on paper with real ink. I’m thinking a glossy national mag, circulation one mil plus.

  2. All I can say is that’s a lot of synonyms for the mullet hairstyle.

  3. The labeling may be creative and prolific, but it’s still hate speech. Non-mulletists have to take a stand against it.

  4. I see the New York Times is following on the coattails of SRC as a late entry into mullet-gate coverage

    “Some critics even note changes in his haircut — once a mullet-style, now a cropped conservative look less common at a Minnesota hockey rink — as evidence of his political calculations.

    ….

    Nor, for that matter, she added, has Mr. McCain’s vice-presidential search driven her husband’s hairstyle. The governor has cut and grown out his hair at various times over the years, she said.” (referring to Minnesota’s First Lady, Mary Pawlenty.)

  5. Well, the dream is gone, for now.

    Associated Press
    MULLET-AMERICANS MOURN PAWLENTY SNUB

    St. Paul, Mn — Mullet-Americans describe themselves as crestfallen upon learning today of Senator John McCain’s rejection of Governor Tim Pawlenty’s tireless bid to become the first Mullet-American Vice President of the United States.

    “This is the first time I’ve been so close to seeing someone who looks like me become the leader of the free world,” said Eustice Floyd, founder and webmaster for http://www.mulletsrock.com. “We did have a Mullet-Murican become the leader of the Carpet World down the street, but never once leader of the free world.”

    From the beginning, Pawlenty struggled to find his political footing in the trailblazing role of the first major contender for the Vice Presidency to sport a mullet. Early in the process the former hockey player proudly displayed his hockey hair, but he later removed the cargo end of his Camaro. In an interview with the New York Times in mid-August, Pawlenty’s wife Mary denied that the haircut was politically motivated.

    “He’s been a victim of left-part media bias since Day One,” said Pawlenty spokesperson Brian McClung. “Whatever happened to judging a man based on the content of his character rather than the length of his rat tail?”

    Many Mullet-American Pawlenty supporters say they aren’t sure they can support the McCain-Whatsername ticket. Some claim they may vote for Barack Obama, who earlier in the week chose the occassionally mini-mulleted Senator Joe Biden as his running mate.

    “Pawlenty proved to be too mulleted for the mulletists hate mongers, but not mulleted enough for the mullet activists,” said Jenni Jones-Milosovich, professor emeritus at Jenni’s School of Cosmetology and Pet Grooming. “He was really caught in the crossfire on one of the ugliest cosmetology issues of our times.”

    Pawlenty supporters were putting a brave face on the snub, promising to fight for greater hairstyle tolerance between now and 2010, when supporters hope Pawlenty will seek a seat on the Dakota County Water Conservancy Board.

    “Maybe we didn’t win today, but there are now like a shitload cracks in that ole anti-mullet glass ceiling,” said Mullet-American activist Billy Ray Cyrus. “And thanks to Pawlenty’s six months of non-stop sucking up to McCain, maybe someday my son Harley will be able to proudly wear his 10-90 to a G-8 Summit.”

  6. [...] on McCain’s VP selection process, and I am now excited! TPAW must bring back the mullet! Link: Mullet-Americans Rally Around [...]

  7. Hey, I thought this was great–JL’s scintilating essay discovered almost four months after it first appeared! Demonstrating that blog posts can be much more than transitory ruminations, and that there just may be an audience for intelligence–and wit. Good one.

  8. [...] Hair Homecoming? Posted on November 14, 2008 by Joe Loveland With it, he was a popular [...]

  9. [...] governor correspond with an interest of Loveland, who has commented several times on the subject (here and here in [...]

  10. [...] Madoff with a mullet, Governor Pawlenty makes a darn good first impression. But the Pawlenty era has taught Minnesotans [...]

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